“ I told ya he was a chiseler, and he’s a china man now get ‘em both!” Michael shouted.
“I am Japanese!” Hasame yelled, offended.
The townsfolk came runnin’ towards us at Michael’s command. It was like a stampede as the dozens of feet of the rampagin’ townsfolk slammed on the ground. Nothin’ was stoppin’ ‘em now, so I got straight up outta my chair jumped on the table to get a better view of an escape route (Not before grabbin’ my earnin’s or course), but Hasame just calmly stepped out of his chair and began drawing his sword. I didn’t know what the Jap was thinkin’ but I didn’t give him a chance to show anybody, I grabbed his arm and pulled him up on the table.
“What do you think you are doing?” Hasame asked blankly, as if I was a minor hindrance to whatever plan was runnin’ through his mind.
“savin’ your hide from doin’ somethin’ stupid! Just do what I do and we’ll get outa this mess.” I pointed at a small opening in the crowd between the woman with the eye patch and the doctor where I was plannin’ to jump to the next table through ‘em. Hasame seemed to be two steps ahead because by the time I looked back at him he was already in the air. He landed with same style that he had before, and looked back at me impatiently. I got a runnin’ start and kicked off the table’s edge , unfortunately my time in the air didn’t go as smoothly as his did, and I started comin’ down too early, right in the middle of the lot of ‘em. The woman’s hand reached fer a gun in her coat pocket.
Bang!!!!
Her limp body fell flat backwards on to the doctor behind her, blood trickled down her forehead. Me and Hasame took the opportunity to run straight out the saloon door. I looked around for a place to hide, and I saw the train station. “Here, let’s go in the station, there’s bound to be stuff to hide behind.” My suggestion didn’t seem to sit well with my Asian partner.
“I will not hide, especially since there is no point, I can take on these barbarians. Wait here if you want to be a coward.” He went for his sword again and began walkin’ to the saloon, but I grabbed him by the shoulder.
“Look partner, I’m sure you can handle a pack of drunk, stupid locals. You don’t want to be stirring up that kind of trouble, you’ll wind up with bounty on yer head, and be dead within the month.” Hasame gave me the look of a stubborn ass that finally gave way and went with me to the station. When we got there, I saw what looked like a cargo loadin’ area, on an elevated wood floor, with several piles of wooden barrels and crates. We hid ourselves among the cargo, and it looked like we had lost ‘em. “Damn preacher just had to get me to shoot ‘em, I wasn’t plannin’ fer a darin’ escape today. Well, at least I made a fine dollar offa the Lord’s right hand man before I have to be jumpin’ from the flames of Hell.”
“I hope you jump from flames better than tables.” Hasame laughed at me.
“Look here, I don’t usually have to jump from tables, so excuse me if I’m not hoppin’ like a damn Jackrabbit . I don’t know what the hell happened to my sleeves that they split open like that, I gotta stop buyin’ the cheap clothes.”
“Oh no, it was not your clothes, it was me.” Hasame continued chuckling.
“What the hell do you mean it was you?!” I whispered angrily. I was trying to keep from bein’ noticed by our adorin’ fans, but trying to fight the urge to punch Hasame’s smirkin’ bazoo in.
“I mean I cut your sleeves, I saved you from the dishonor of a life of cheating so tha…” SMACK!! Right then I showed him what I thought of his savin’ me and I punched him square in his tiny, self-righteous nose. His hat flew off and he flew straight into a barrel pile, knockin’ ‘em over and buryin’ him. While he was under, I managed to put two and two together. Punchin’ a guy who can cut my sleeves from across a table, without me even noticing, may not have been a good showin’ of my brains. Hasame was down for a minute and then started pushin’ the cargo offa him, and I made a sound somewhere between “gulp” and “crap”; somethin’ like “crulp” or “cralp” or maybe even a simple “shit”; either way I was not in an agreeable situation. Not that I couldn’t have taken the Asian, it just wasn’t the time to be shootin’ signals to my “rescuing party”. Hasame got up from the barrels and gave me a look of disappointment.
“These barrels are heavy, you could have killed me, and some of them have a horrible odor.” Hasame patted dust off his clothes and retrieved his hat.
“Judging from the smell, I’d say cow manure, and I wish you had gotten buried in it. I was tryin’ to earn me an honest day’s pay when you so rudely outed me. Now once word spreads, ain’t no one goin’ to play me in five finger fillet, let alone poker. I don’t know what manners they teach you over in Japan, but over here, when you see a man chiselin’, you shut yer yap and let him work!” Poker was about the only thing that gave me a good time anymore, not that the people I played were ever any good, they weren’t, but their money was good to buy gin and a night at the local bordello. If it was a “good” Christian town like this one, then I just used the money to get drunk and usually ended up takin’ a leak on the front door of the church, not that I’m a blasphemer, the town preacher usually joined me.
“Don’t worry… I’m sorry what was your name?” Hasame asked.
“Jim.”
“Yes, Jim, well don’t worry I’m beginning to think that I may have the wrong man regardless. I wouldn’t want to be traveling the country with a man who punches people he met 5 minutes ago.”
“You got me run outta town!”
“Are you arguing the point? Maybe you do want to join me after all.”
“…. look shut yer damn trap, I told you I ain’t got no interest!” I was startin’ to get to the point where I was lyin’. When Hasame mentioned travelin’ around the country, my ears perked up a bit out of excitement, and I think Hasame was readin’ me.
“Yes, you told me that before, so once we deal with this current problem, we can part. Though of course you made even that more irritating than it needed to be.” Hasame answered in a half smart ass tone.
“What are you talkin’ about.” I asked.
“The old woman, the town’s people aren’t going to be happy about that.”
“What about the old hag?” I knew in the back of my head what he was talkin’ about, a man don’t shoot a woman down and expect to hear the end of it. I knew, but I still wanted to play stupid about it fer as long as I could before a bounty hunter came and broke my head in.
“Drifter! Now you ain’t getting’ nowhere alive, you killed Ashley! Get out here now, so we can all get our shots in on ya!” That gave me my answer, and my time in this town was about up. Me and Hasame crouched as close down as we could behind the barrels, and I began thinkin’ about how to get out of our unfortunate predicament. “If you ain’t comin’ out, we’s just gonna have to look fer ya and then when we find ya, we’s gonna take our time with ya instead!” The yellin’ seemed to be gettin’ closer to the station. I looked around to find a better place to evade the posse and I took notice of the fairly large barrels. I could see a person fittin’ in ‘em.
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“We’ll hide in these barrels; no one would think to look in ‘em, too original.” I whispered to Hasame.
“Everyone has thought of that, why don’t I just send up a flag to tell them we are here, at least then I could just deal with them and be done with it.”
“You are givin’ these drunkards too much credit, they don’t have the brains to think to look in there.”
“I think they will if they see all the contents of them spilled around them” Hasame pointed out. He was right, I had to think how to hide the cargo or find an almost empty barrel. I began tapping lightly on some barrels, listening to see how hollow they sounded. Luckily, I managed to find at least one with enough room for a person.
“Got a barrel I can hide in over here.” I said
“What about me?” Hasame asked.
“What about you? You got us into this mess, have fun findin’ another barrel.” I started climbin’ in and Hasame gave an annoyed sigh. He took out his sword and looked at the top of one of the barrels.
“Apples, I can deal with that.” He spoke to himself. He then took out his sword and started to be trace a circle on the floor. Then he made a quick swiping motion and a clean cut circle hole formed on the wood floor. Then he kicked over the apple barrel, opened it, and dumped the apples down the hole.
“They will notice a big hole in the floor Asian man.” I smirked back at him.
Hasame merely looked disinterested in my remark as he continued his work. He then moved the other cargo over the hole, covering it from sight. “Now we may continue to hide like cowards in peace.” And with that we both hopped in our barrels. As I made myself as comfortable as I was gonna be in a barrel in hot as hell desert weather, I heard footsteps comin’ into the station.
“Where the hell did those yellow bellies run off to?” Said a male voice.
“I’d be hiding too if we was comin’ after me! Yoo Hoo!” A female this time. BANG! BANG! Two gunshots went off, sounded like a buffalo rifle too, great all’s I need to deal with right now is heavily armed inbred drunkards.
“Ya idiot, why are you firin’ randomly into the air?!”
“Uh, I don’t know, I was just getting’ excited is all, you know we’s gonna kill the bunko artist who killed Ashley, that’s kinda excitin’.”
“But we gonna have a hard time doin’ that with no ammo!”
“I hadn’t thought of that, you’s always were the brains honey.”
“Damn Eliza, you’s the reason people think we’re just a bunch of inbred drunks.”
I was getting’ tired listenin’ to these morons, their voices were like iron nails grindin’ down a chalkboard and the heat inside the barrel was makin’ me awful irritable.
“But we are inbred cousin.”
And they keep goin’
“We’s different, we’s love each other, and don’t you know they say true love kills ‘em all, er somethin’ like that”
True love conquers all! God just take me now if I can just stop hearin’ these two.
“Yer right cousin, I love you.”
That was it, I was gonna get up and shoot these two in head to shut ‘em up, I didn’t care about any bounty. I grabbed my gun as sweat was rollin’ down my face and my eyes were gettin’ blurry, but luckily the two were called away by some of the other townsfolk. I had to get out and get some air, I was startin’ to feel faint. I lifted up the lid some to see if I was in the clear, and I saw a train was comin’ to the station. It looked like a passenger train with a few extra cars to transport cargo, and as it got closer I closed the lid and went back to hidin’. I started wondering what Hasame was doin’ this whole time, he must have been in the same predicament, but I didn’t see or hear a peep out of ‘em. The train’s steam engine was gettin’ louder and louder as it got closer until finally I heard the screeching of the brakes hittin’ the tracks. After a minute or two the train sounded like it came to a full stop, and I heard people gettin’ off close to us.
“Sorry folks, just stopping for some supplies, it will only be a minute.” I assumed it was one of the train workers callin’ out to the passengers. I heard footsteps getting’ closer and closer to us.
“We should really consider stocking up on supplies before trips, I hate having to carry all these heavy barrels.” So I went from the two love birds to listenin’ to a train worker complain about his job, why is it I need to be hearin’ everyone’s life story while I’m in here. I didn’t have to listen for long though, I felt me gettin’ picked up. “Ug! What’s in these barrels! Potatoes!? Must be enough in there to give the passengers mashed potatoes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the next month.” The trainman then put down and went out fer more. I must’ve been a half hour before the train started movin’ again, damn train workers always lie about how long things take. I remember one time I was travelin’ to California by train and the conductor just stopped the train, and said “Hey wait folks we gotta do some emergency repairs, but it will only take 5 minutes.” 3 hours later, he came back drunk and once he started up the train again, it caught fire. The guys workin’ the furnace panicked and ended up sendin’ some hot coal through the air which went right into my hand, givin’ me a nice memento to remember my experience with Douglas Train Transport with. Not the war wound Hasame was hopin’ it was, but I had plenty of those to make up for his disappointment when he finds out. As the train started up again, I finally gave in to the heat and everything went dark.
I jumped at the opportunity to review Figure Fantasy: The Pop Culture Photography of Daniel Picard; the idea of seeing some of my favorite comic and movie characters in everyday, realistic situations is intriguing and funny. Using 12-inch figures from Sideshow Collectibles, Picard creates these well-detailed, meticulous scenes that take playtime to a whole new level.
What is most enjoyable about the volume is discovering the intricate details in the images. Though they are actual photographs taken in different locations (many of which are described on the photos), Picard often includes elements that provide additional realism to the characters inhabiting the world he created. One of the introductory images, for example, shows Batman kicking down a door in what looks to be an old rundown apartment building; littering the floors and walls are The Riddler’s trademark green question marks.
Picard is upfront about his relationship with Sideshow Collectibles, and though you could think of this as an advertisement for the companies product, I didn’t feel bad when I wanted to look them up and see what other collectibles of interest they had in stock. In all, this book presents a creative mixing of of some familiar characters’ universes and back stage peeks into their lives, some less familiar. The book is an enjoyable first read and would also stand up to subsequent reviews. It should have a spot on the coffee table for anyone into collectibles or video games, comic books and other pop culture characters.
